Blue Balls From Hell
“Blue balls is a slang term for the condition of temporary fluid congestion (vasocongestion) in the testicles accompanied by testicular pain, caused by prolonged sexual arousal in the human male without ejaculation.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_balls
Blue balls, it’s real, and it happens!
On a Wednesday morning about seven years ago I wake up as most men do…with an erection. My wife’s still sleeping. I’m contemplating waking her up so we can have some morning delight and start the day off the right way. At this point, my mind’s already made up, and I’m horny AF. I really want to get some before we get up and get ready for work. So I slowly start trying to wake her up as gently as I can. As soon as she does wake up, I let my intentions be known, and I get shot down. Ahh well, better luck next time.
We get up, get ready for work and we both leave to go on with our days. As I’m driving into work, I start getting this unpleasant familiar feeling…Fucking blue balls!
I’ve been here before, a few hours and I’ll be ok, or so I thought. As the day progresses, the unpleasant feeling’s now a painful one. I’m a trooper, so I push through it thinking to myself I’ll get rid of the poison when I get home (this usually does the trick, for me anyway). I get home after work, my wife’s already there and notices me limping as I walk over to kiss her hello. She asks what’s wrong, so I tell her, she feels bad blah blah blah and I end up going in the shower to “relieve” myself.
To my disappointment, my condition persists.
I tell myself that it’ll be better tomorrow. I wake up the next morning, and I feel a little better than the night before, YAY. I go through the morning routine and head to work. I get to work, and as soon as I try getting out of my car, I feel the worst testicular pain I’ve ever felt in my life. At this point, my scrotum is throbbing. I painfully make my way into the building and up to my office. As soon as sit down, the pain level goes down, but every time I stand up (my job requires me to leave my desk many, many times a day) I feel like my ball sack is gonna explode! My colleagues notice me walking at a snail’s pace taking 3 to 4-inch steps, so I let them in on what’s going on. Big mistake. Now they’re all busting my already busted balls, pun intended.
I get home from work and tell my wife’s that it’s not getting better. She tells me I should go to the emergency room. I say “Fuck that” I’m not going to the emergency room to wait 10 hours just for a bad case of blue balls. I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow. I ice my crotch with frozen peas the whole evening and go to bed.
I wake up Friday morning, and I’m super optimistic because I feel better than the previous days. Drive into work and as soon as I get out of my car…BOOM!!! Pain level is now at a 10. I decide to complete my full workday, but I acknowledge that something is definitely wrong and this ain’t no regular case of blue balls. I call my wife before leaving work to let her know that I’m heading straight to the ER.
I get to the hospital at around 3:30 PM and my cheap ass don’t want to pay for parking, so I find a parking spot on a residential street about 10 minutes from the hospital. It’s important for me to specify that it’s the middle of January and I live in Canada, you’ll see why in a bit.
I register at the ER and go sit down in the waiting room. At around 11 PM they finally call my name. I slowly drag my ass over to the examination room. Twenty minutes later the doctor walks in and tells me he has a med student with him and “do I mind if she assists the examination.” At this point, I don’t give a shit, so I’m like sure, the more, the merrier. Then this hot little med student walks in, awesome (totally sarcastic here).
He asks me why I’m there. I tell him a few days ago I was sexually aroused and it didn’t come to fruition, so I got blue balls, and it escalated from there. He looks at me like I just spoke in some foreign language he doesn’t understand and goes “blue balls??” I’m like yeah you know, blue balls, when you really, really want to get it in, and it doesn’t happen. Fucking blue balls man! Apparently, he’s never experienced that and doesn’t believe that it’s a thing. So I explain my symptoms because this guy is clueless about this super common male affliction.
“Ok sir drop your pants please so we can have a look,” at this point I’m regretting putting off the trim job that’s about three weeks overdue because the student’s watching, but it is what it is. I drop my pants and underwear. He gets down there, fondles me a bit and asks me a few questions about my sex life, partners, my age, protection and stuff. At that point, I had been with my wife (girlfriend at the time) for a little over a year and had only been with her since. He says to me, “Well in your age group, being sexually active and not wearing any protection it’s one of two things, Chlamydia or Gonorrhea.”
Fuck me! I’m thinking to myself that’s impossible. I know where I’ve been since my last test (only with my wife) and I completely trust her. I ask if it could be anything else but apparently from the info I gave him and the “stats” Nope, I’ve got an STD, maybe two. At this point, the student seems very uncomfortable and just stares at the floor the whole time.
“So we’re going to give you a pill for the Chlamydia, a shot for the Gonorrhea and we’re going to do a urine test to find out exactly which one you have, and you’ll need to come back Sunday morning for the result. Oh and by the way you should warn your partner that she should get tested ASAP. Have a good evening.”
Great, just fucking great!
The nurse walks in with the pill and the needle. I down the pill, drop my pants and turn around for the shot. She instructs me to lie down on the bed, “this is gonna hurt” she says “and in 10-15 minutes it’s gonna feel like a bad charley horse for about an hour or so.
As soon as I walk out of the hospital, the charley horse hits me in the right ass cheek. So my balls hurt like hell, my ass is stiffer than a two-day old corpse, and about 10 inches of snow fell since I’ve been at the hospital. It takes me around 25 minutes to walk to my car and another 5 to get the snow off of it. I’m sitting in my car thinking how the hell am I going to tell my wife. This is gonna be bad, really really bad.
I get home and walk in. At the time my best friend was living with us. They’re both sitting at the island counter talking. My wife goes “So, what did they say”? To which I reply “Ok don’t freak out, the doctor said that it was either Chlamydia or Gonorrhea, but I’m sure he’s wrong babe.” Well on that note my buddy gets up and heads down to his room without saying a word. The fucker just bailed on me, the look of discomfort on his face was priceless, though. I speak my piece and plead my case with her. I tell her I haven’t cheated on her and that I need to go back to the hospital on Sunday to get the official results so let’s wait this out and stay optimistic…please.
Needless to say, the following day was absolute shit. You could cut the tension in the air with a knife. My buddy left for the rest of the weekend (thanks for the support bro). My wife kept giving me the dirtiest looks I’ve ever received, and on top of all that good stuff, my testicle purse was still in agony. That Saturday couldn’t end fast enough.
First thing Sunday morning I head on down to the hospital to get my test results. I check in, and the lady tells me to wait until they call me. They call my name to the same exam room as Friday. I walk in, and it’s the same doctor too. He goes straight into the results, “So you have a Varicocele”. I ask him what that is. He tells me it’s an enlarged vein that’s twisted in my scrotum. At this point, I’m equally relieved and pissed the fuck off. I ask him “So what about the Chlamydia and the Gonorrhea???” He says “the test results came back negative on both of those.”
I am a fuming at this point, and I go off on him. “It would have been real fucking nice to have had Varicocele in the mix with the STDs on Friday as an option to tell my wife you asshole.” I’m asked to calm down and be polite, my response to that causes the doctor to storm the fuck off and send the nurse in to finish the discussion.
I walk out of there with some pretty strong anti-inflammatories and some other pills to fix my Varicocele. I’m not a big “I told you so” kinda guy, but you can bet your bottom dollar that my wife got a big fat I told you so when I got home.
Looking back on it today we both laugh about it. Worst blue balls ever!!!
Just another adventure in my human experience.